What does "marriage" mean?
I'm not getting much traffic on my blog, so I obviously need to pay it more attention. Maybe I can stir a few people up and get some answers for all of us.
For years, I've not understood how God could condone the trappings of legal marriage. I need to be enlightened. I'm sure you've probably already judged my thought processes - yet I can assure you that you are probably wrong.
When one is legally married, they are 100% responsible for their marriage partner - 100%. They do not have control of their own finances and can be wiped out in a heartbeat. They do not have custody of their children, and can have them taken away in the blink of an eye. They willingly give up their right to their own life in so many ways. One racks up a huge medical or tax bill. The other is responsible for it just the same. What does this have to do with marriage? Why legalize love? Can love and committment be legalized? The divorce rate is what, now, probably well above 50%.
I'm not an advocate for "shacking up" as the connatation typically means simply living with whomever and having sex with them, without a committment.
I'm all for committment in every way - yet a license does not guarantee it. Rather, a license can tend to do strange things to many people. It is a license to take advantage of, legally, in almost every way imaginable.
Can a husband rape a wife? No. Supposedly.
Can a wife steal from her husband? No. Supposedly.
When these bad things happen in a relationship, one has more legal rights if they are not legally married.
My question - aside from the giddy feeling and false security that legal marriage gives people is - why get the state involved?
I am very serious about these questions. Obviously I've been very burned by legal marriage and would never put myself in that position again. I am in a committed relationship and we are considering getting "married" in God's eyes, and among friends and family. My biggest issue is with various organizations - religeons, particularly - who judge this union as "sinful".
Please - your thoughts and insight/wisdom!
Wanda
Labels: christian marriage, christians co-habitating, legal marriage
posted by Joybell @ 4:17 PM
3 Comments
3 Comments:
I think marriage started out as a means of making families, and then as time went on it became more about powerful families. It wasn't so much about love as it was creating a powerful namesake. Marriage/a relationship as an 80/20 proposition. Sometimes you need 80 of your better half support and you can only give 20 in return. However there will be times when you have to give 80 and only get 20 in return. I think that is the key to healthy long lasting relationship.
Nobsdivorceadviceguide
I'm right there with you regarding your post. I know this is almost a full year after your original post but hopefully this satisfies your question.. I've been struggling with what exactly marriage means, and on a google search your blog came up. I find that it's impossible to talk or think about marriage without also thinking about divorce.
Marriage has evolved a lot, and the current institution scares me a little for the very reasons you mentioned. I'm all for having a ceremony and exchanging vows expressing commitment witnessed by friends and family, but when the court system comes in... why would I want to invite that into my relationship? The marriage contract doesn't mean commitment - you know that what with the 50%+ divorce rate. It doesn't mean love, for the aforementioned reason.. the only thing actually holding a relationship together is the health of the relationship itself. If a divorce happens, the only people who benefit are the lawyers, and it's impossible to settle anything through lawyers anyway; there's the woman's view, the man's view, and then there's what really happened.
As a man, my view is that the court system strongly favors women in divorce, even in cases where the woman may be at fault. I realize this is not the case for many women and I respect that, but based on the experience of listening to the lives of my friends and coworkers, this seems to be the case to me. Since I do not believe that I need to be married in order for God to recognize my choice of partner, the union is strictly legal and as such, to the advantage of the woman to be married, and the disadvantage of the man - my current sense of independent and financial security will be gone upon entering marriage, and (in my opinion) the woman will have a newfound sense of financial security, and the addition of social acceptance. She may also feel commitment, but I think that is just because the man has willingly given up his own security in order to declare his commitment. Again, I realize and understand this isn't always the case and women have been hurt by divorce just as much as men have - I'm just stating what seems to be as the overwhelming majority of cases.
However, there may be a good reason for marriage. I'm not very familiar with this though and I'm having trouble digging up details on google, but I remember reading something about legal marriage helping to protect the rights of the child if there is one - also, having the marriage in place might help the child understand the bond their parents have and in turn acquire a healthy view of what a relationship is supposed to be.. as long as the marriage is healthy of course.. if it's not healthy then growing up in a toxic environment could only damage the child's view. At any rate, since kids can be cruel, it's a guarantee the child will be griefed by his or her peers if their parents are not married.. other than this, I can't think of why a legal contract would be wise - I hear that even the tax breaks aren't all they're cracked up to be.. as long as we're talking about money though, what about the cost of a wedding? Forget getting married, put a down payment on a house instead.
I may get married one day.. but not before I commit some serious time to researching prenuptial agreements and what my state will and will not recognize. Do you or anyone else know what rights a marriage confers to a child? As a woman, how do you feel about my opinion of the court system and the transfer of the feeling of security?
Hi David,
I agree with your take on legal marraige for the most part. I am just one of the women who got cleaned out, financially, as I was the one with the larger income and better employment track record. I think the biggest reason, aside from that, is that in my state - CA - there is an underlying conspiracy to "give fathers their rights", regardless of who the father is and what his track record is. There was domestic violence in our marraige, much less the financial abuse. So, to a large degree, it depends upon the state one lives in.
It is sad that some people get legally married for the "security" of their partner's bank account. It amazes me, though, that the one with the better finances doesn't see some sort of red flag prior to marraige. On the other hand, there are a lot of controllers out there and to be the one holding the purse strings provides power to a great degree. So, perhaps this is why a purse-holder marries someone with the knowledge that that someone is simply seeking "security".
You make some excellent points about how the children are affected by marraige or lack of. From the sound of your opinion, however, I would guess that you're from the mid-west where opinions about living together without the "benefit" (yeah, right...) of marraige is socially frowned upon. It makes no difference here, thankfully. I have not once stumbled into a conversation, or even thought about having a conversation about someone's child somehow being less valid or "iligitimate" (it's a real child, right???) for any legal reason, including marraige. So, it's difficult for me to address your thoughts from this perspective. However, I do know there are a lot of unrealistic attitudes about people simply co-habitating. I have heard, however, about couples here marrying after living together first, sometimes for years. In a lot of cases, it is precisely the legal contract that breaks the relationship.
In some states legal marraige probably does protect the child. Those would be the states that refer to a child being "born out of wedlock", as somehow iligitimate. You're right, children can be cruel to each other. Different subject, but I am convinced this is because of our traditional school systems that literally promote this pecking order, unfortunately. It is also due to ignorant adults who gossip about these parents who aren't legally married. Children hear far more than most people believe. They pick up on attitudes and then try to act like these adults. It's sad, yet true, and quite pervasive.
Thanks, David for this discussion. To be honest, I'm glad for the response, as my blog is not popular at all. It's refreshing to know you found it on Google.
Wanda/Joybell
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